The truth about getting played: A male perspective

When we keep getting played and hurt by men, we start asking ourselves are “all guys are the same”.  Are all guy’s players or wanna-be players? My brother is happily married and has only ever had eyes for one woman, so deep down I know there are good guys out there. 

 I have been following a blog by a guy called Matt, who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. He is going through a lot of heart break and suffering. I decided to ask Matt for a male perspective on dating and getting played.

Are all guy’s the same?

“I’m just going to lead off with saying that the phrase “all guys are the same” has got to be removed from your mind.  I am a testament to that it not being true. All people can be assholes.  I have cheated before.  I have been cheated on.  The girl that I just recently broke up with, I would NEVER have even thought about cheating on her or even being with someone else. The idea just never crossed my mind in three years.  I was in it for the long run and I would have been true to her for the rest of my life. ”

Do you think you would ever cheat on a girl?

” So, am I capable of cheating?  Yes. But when you find the right person, it isn’t something that would happen.  If you are a perfect match, neither person would ever want to be with anyone else… it just doesn’t make sense.  The only reason that people get played is that they are with someone who isn’t as invested in the relationship as they are. The hardest part about having a real relationship is finding someone who loves you as much as you love them.. otherwise it’s simple.  I have been in relationships with girls who were absolutely head over heels in love with me and sadly, I didn’t feel the same way, so they were the ones getting hurt… but recently I was in a relationship that was the opposite.  I loved her so much, I would have done anything to make her happy, I would have died for her, and i thought she felt the same, but she didn’t. 

Why do you think people get played?

“The only thing I can say is, if you got played, it’s because you were with the wrong person.  There is always someone out there who is going to treat you with the respect that you deserve, because everyone deserves to feel happy and loved and when you find that person you will be floating for the rest of your life (and so will they). It’s amazing because having a TRUE trust in someone is beautiful, knowing that they will never hurt you is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  When you have it, you know it.  Don’t ever be with someone who you are “worried about” or that you are unsure if you can trust them or not… it’s not worth the heartache and lost sleep.

His empty promises are killing me slowly

Lovegamble* is madly in love with a guy she met online. She has a feeling that he is playing her.

 

This is her story:

 

“I met a guy through an online dating site, and we’ve known each other for over a month now. I’ve only had two serious relationships before this.

 

I am completely head over heels in love with him, but he seems to show no interest, but yet his actions are so different and inconsistent. He says he is afraid of getting hurt again and not ready to commit. I ask my friends, both guys and girls and they say that is bs, and that I should just leave him. But I feel like it is impossible because for some dumb reason, I believe him and I feel like holding on because there might be a chance. I feel like I don’t want anyone else but him, and I only have eyes for him! Good lord I’ve never felt this way for anyone before as an adult! I’m freakin 32 and feel like a 15 y/o getting played!

 

He is 36 and I see him as definitely hot. I think he is lying to me, but I cannot prove it. Everyone I tell my pain to tells me he’s playing me and that I should just drop him. No one has met him though. I am helplessly hoping that he will see my love and great potential, and he will eventually fall in love with me also.

 

We’ve only been dating for a little over a month, and I’m sure I have totally scared him off now, because his interest level in me has definitely decreased, while every waking moment of my life is filled with him. I cannot pinpoint what the heck it is about him that I love so much, and I hate myself so much for feeling this way.

 

My mind and my heart are at different places, because my mind tells me this isn’t how I should be feeling from someone I care so much about, but my heart and emotions just draws me to him like a magnet, or an uncontrollable addiction. All I have to do is think about his laugh, the funny things he does, our conversations and it makes it hard for me to breathe.

 

Right now I think we’re casually dating and he is definitely driving the pace. I don’t know how much longer I can take this, because it is killing me slowly and excruciatingly from within.

 

I am sure he is seeing other women because I’m always last on his priority, I’ve seen him six times and text almost daily. The games he plays are telling me he’s interested but cancels dates and showing less and less interest. I’m always initiating our dates and he doesn’t, almost to the point where I feel like I’m begging to see him.

 

His empty promises are killing me slowly. He doesn’t call when he says he would, doesn’t keep dates, verbally says he’s interested but his actions are different. He shows no initiative at all to come see me, I go to him all the time.

The moment we said hello was when I fell for him. Our first kiss sent me smiling all the way home. And each time I think about him, it makes my heart skip a beat. I miss this part of him so much, which has now disappeared. I wonder what happened? what did I do or say wrong?

 

I talked to a counselor and she says that a lot of times what we feel for someone is the projection of ourselves. This could be an explanation of why I fell so hard for him because I see all these things in him, that may not even be true. I realize I barely know him, and yet I’m helplessly thinking about him all the time. I often think of and replay the scene of when I tell him I can no longer see him, an each time I see him I treat it as if it could be the last. Being with this guy is sooo unpredictable and suffocating.”

 

(*Lovegamble is the pseudonym for the person telling this story.)

Cocktail: A study of the player’s game

The 1998 movie Cocktail, featuring a young Tom Cruise demonstrates what drives a man in his mid 20’s. Money, women (sex) and fun! If you encounter a barman poet who sweeps you off your feet with his romantic words, lots of shots and sexy cocktails…beware!

In this clip, watch the flirting taking place with the photographer…if you meet a guy who is so at ease and sexually flirtatious, you can be sure you are not the first lady he has flashed his eyelashes at!

This clip reminds me of a bar man I knew in NY. It is a widely known fact that the position of bar man in NYC is the perfect first job for a player or wanna-be player.

I once kissed a bartender in Paris..in a gay bar. What about you?!

I remember a few years ago, I was at a bar with my ex-boyfriend, and this barman who was serving us said he went to college with my ex. My ex remembered him after a few minutes of chatting. The guy was cute and charming. My ex told me later that he didn’t recognise him at first because he had changed so much! He was quiet and always a friend of the ladies but not a ladies man! He said wow…he used to be a dork..he is cool now!

This is my favourite scene in the entire movie. Before I die, I want to have passionate sex under a waterfall in a tropical paradise. My ex ran off to a tropical paradise, but did not bring me…typical right…so I am sure he had many of these scenes with many different women when he was there!

How it ends:

Watch the full movie to see how the player ruins his romance with the young pretty girl, because he thinks the older rich woman is a better catch..and gets caught up in a bet. Typical man!

The film has a happily ever after, if this was reality and not Hollywood, it would not be so happy. And if there was a sequel to this movie, I am sure it would be about a man in his mid-life crises missing his young single life in NYC!

If you meet a sexy man in a tropical paradise, make sure that you use protection! The movie should have ended with the girl getting an STD and bumping into young Cruise and his rich lady! The film gives women the idea that players can change..but they can’t…even if they want to, they just will never change…ever!

If you have had a hot holiday romance and it ended badly…email me at virginversusplayer@gmail.com

MY STORY- French Kiss P5

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I had been hit over the head with a bottle! I had no idea what I was doing in a kids room. Standing at the door way was JP’s friend. JP had vanished!

I had no idea how to get back to the house, so JP’s friend gave me a ride on his electric scooter!

And that was the end of JP!

I sent him a text about two weeks later..(why I don’t know). But, he never responded. Typical! I was upset for a little bit, (for a day or two) but I got over it pretty quickly. I was young, pretty and living in Paris, and there were many many more boys to KISS!

MY STORY- French Kiss P4

Things started to go badly with the family I was working for. Let’s call it cultural differences! And that French can be obnoxious and arrogant sometimes. They can be wonderful friends and dates..but work for them and everything changes!

The night I decided to leave the family, I had a massive argument with the Mother, and I just felt I couldn’t sleep the night there. So, I rang JP. He met me at the train station, he was coming back from college and had a beer in his hand!

We went to his friends house…which was a castle!!! His friend was the caretaker of a local park and he lived in the castle belong to it. His friend was from the Caribbean and had dreadlocks. He was about 40 and was a bit of a pot head!

We drank lots of wine and I was very very drunk! I started getting upset when JP said we had to leave. He said ok, you can stay here and he led me up a windy staircase to a small children’s room with bunk beds! Apparently his friend sometimes had his children stay there!

We slid into the bed, and undressed a little. We kissed, and became intimate. I unpeeled his underpants, which revealed his hard penis! I said wow that’s HUGE..and then PASSED OUT!

 

MY STORY- French Kiss P3

Numbers were never exchanged. I was embarrassed by the messiness of it all, that I tried to forget the drunken passion in the car I had with JP. And plus, he had a GIRLFRIEND!

About a week later, I was walking the child I was minding, when a car which was driving by suddenly came to an abrupt  stop.  It was JP! He was very charming, and we exchanged numbers.

That night, he texted me asking me if my friend and I would like to play tennis with him and his friend. I kindly declined his offer! I was amused by the invitation of a tennis double date, as where I come from cinema would be the offer. He then asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him. I accepted. This was my first real date. I had been on a semi date before, where I went to a guy’s house and we started to watch Borne identity, but made out for a few hours instead of watching the end.

The night I had dinner with JP, everything went well. It was nice. He was easy to talk to and I felt relaxed in his company. His English was pretty good, and at times we would switch to French. We went for steak and red wine.

Later we went for a walk in the park. I dressed casually when I was 18. I had runners (sneakers) on, which made me the same height as JP..(I was taller than him when we first met, as I wore heels). I am a pretty short…about 5’3.  So for a guy he was TINY! But, it didn’t really bother me, as we had a strong connection and he made me pretty horny!

As we were walking around the park, he grabbed me and twirled me towards him and kissed me with great passion and force. It was incredibly sexy. We then went to a seating area and kissed some more. He touched my breasts and began kissing them. He kept saying he loved my boobs in french!

Later, we went back to his house, well his room…attached to his family house  with his own entrance. (His family were on holidays.) We fell onto his bed kissing.  He started to undress me. I wanted to have sex with him, but I was a virgin (not that he knew that) and he had a girlfriend. He kept saying I LOVE YOU..I LOVE YOU. I had never been told this by a guy before, but I was also not stupid. I had only met him once before.  As he started unzipping my jeans..I slowly slid out from under him and stood up and said eh I need to go now. He then walked me back.

MY STORY- French Kiss P2

His name was Jean-Pierre. He was 21. He was at the house party. We met when my friend and I raided the fridge for alcohol! He came into the kitchen with his friend and was very friendly. He was short, blonde with blue eyes. Not very French! But, he had a very cute thick French accent.

 Lust at first sight is a strange thing. That feeling of immediate attraction. That warm feeling that runs through your body. The strong chemistry can be misinterpreted as more than just a physical reaction. But, don’t be fooled because that’s all it is.

Anyway, as I was very new to alcohol, I got drunk very quickly. We were then talking to these other guys, and one was very attractive. I was just talking to him innocently, when he started saying..I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND..I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. I was like uhm ALRIGHT…that’s ok we are just talking. But he started acting strangely..that’s when JP (Jean-Pierre) came back and was like ugh… that guy must be gay. JP seemed very into me, even though his GIRLFRIEND was at the same party, so I didn’t pay much attention to JP. I think I even may have randomly kissed some other guy..(JP didn’t see this) and that’s when I decided it was best to ditch the party before anything else happened. So I went out to JP and asked him for directions home. He offered to drive!

My friend and I jumped into the car..she called shot-gun! So I threw myself into the back. Suddenly, his GIRLFRIEND started running after the car, All I remember is that she had dark curly brown hair, and she was screaming after the car.

He ignored her, and drove off. I started giving out to him from the back of the car for flirting with me! He was driving drunk all across the road with me screaming from behind..to be honest, we are very lucky we got home that night. When he stopped the car, he turned around and kissed me passionately. That shut me up!

I can’t really remember what happened next..all I remember is that we were kissing like crazy in the car. I also think I had my hands down his pants! It was the first time I ever felt a man’s penis! And when I got out of the car, I realized I was exposing one of my breasts! My poor friend!

MY STORY- French Kiss P1

The  September after the summer I had my first kiss, I moved to Paris. I was in need of a major adventure. I was incredibly naive and clueless of the outside world. I had this urge inside my soul to take a leave of absence from formal education and discover the  real world.

 I don’t think I even had my own email address. I had one but never used it, and then didn’t bother getting new one, but I still managed to find work and a place to live through online resources. This was just a few months before the launch of Facebook. So as Mark Zuckerberg was secretly planning to take over the world, I was trying to find fun and frolics…and some love in Paris!

However, some  social media platforms existed, and without them I would never have made friends. A meetup group for girls like me enabled me to meet girls of the same age from across the world, working in Paris in similar positions, (minding french brats).

One night, I was out with a friend looking for this bar in my area that the French Father had told me about. (He kept saying.. oh we need to go this little bar, it’s really cool. I felt strange and a little awkward about it, because he kept talking about it when I was alone with him, and I felt a little uncomfortable. I got the impression that he meant going for a drink just with him. So I thought it would be a good idea to go with my friend instead. When I told him I was going with her..he acted a little strange..which made me feel a little more uncomfortable!)

Anyway, it started to rain and by the time my friend and I reached the bar, we were soaked and then found out it was closed! We walked around the Paris suburbs, looking for somewhere to have fun.

It seemed to be very dull, so when we heard music coming from a house we got very excited and we followed the music…….

Lolita- Big Daddy

Lolita is a smart lady in her mid 20’s. She is a friend who was kind enough to share her experiences for this blog. It is featured in different parts, so keep a look out to see how it ends. The end of the story has yet to be told.

This is her story:

 “We all know a silver fox…..an eternal bachelor who frequents the haunts of younger clubs and pubs way past their sell by date….we should all know better but every now and then the strut of a silver fox will catch our eye, their charm will reel us is and them BAM! You find you’ve fallen for the most inappropriate, non-committable, out-wittable, auld lad…..

 Recently I became prey for one such notorious silver fox….I call him Big Daddy (perverse I know). Well when I met B.D I was in a long term relationship that was fine not amazing but grand. Then B.D decides to mentor me, at 40 he’s got 15 years extra wisdom to so kindly share with me.

 He befriends me, tells me I deserve better and sweeps me off my feet (in his Audi A5 convertible no less), I fell victim to the glamour. This man was so confident, independent, charismatic and wise….who could resist (well I’m sure some sensible lady out there could) but not me.

 I ditched my generic John and started my rollercoaster ride with B.D the ultimate silver fox……..”

To be continued….

MY STORY- First kiss

I had my first kiss when I was 18. I was drunk. I had spent my entire five years of secondary school (high school) secretly hoping to be kissed, but I was just so nervous and shy that it never happened. The summer I had one of my first alcoholic drinks changed all this. It was a cocktail. A sex on the beach cocktail in Turkey, which almost led literally to sex on the beach. I think my boobs were seen by the entire bar area. I had absolutely no idea that there were spotlights over the beach area where I was lying on a sun chair with an English guy, who was staying at the same resort. Even though it was my first kiss, I acted like a pro! Maybe too much of a pro!

Alcohol takes away all of your inhibitions and this can be positive, maybe after one drink, but it can also be incredibly dangerous after more than one! So there I was making out with a cute guy with a typical british name, who was about the same age. It was very passionate. I think it started when we were at the bar and he asked me if I wanted to go to the beach to dance! And when we walked on the beach…(you just can’t dance romantically on sand when you are drunk)…we fell onto a sun chair and became passionate. 

He just happened to be leaving that night..after staying there a few days. (I have the worst timing in life especially with romance…I always meet someone just as one of us is leaving).  He wasn’t anything special, just a guy who made me horny from looking at me and smiling! After we kissed..I think his Mom came looking for him to get his suitcase ready for departure!

He gave me his number and said to text him. This was my first massive lesson with romance and players…never ever take a number..always give your number..let them chase you. He seemed so interested in me and was talking about coming across the small ocean to see me. Two days after he left, I got the balls to text him. He never did text back..who knows maybe there was an issue with the phone connection and he never got the text, or maybe it was just another holiday fling for him. Most likely that! So after this, I never took a number again, I always gave my number and tried to act as cool as possible! I tried to convince myself that I did not care what came of it…to try protect my heart and my head!