boozy snoozy

I miss you as a friend and everything else. I miss you in my life and that does not go away. 

new years

my 2014 wish is to meet the right man for me so I can be a great girlfriend to him and we can make the perfect team. I just dont want to hurt anymore. I want to face my fears and not let my past be my demon. I want to bring happiness into others lives and be a good person. I want to be happy and make someone else happy too.

Friends and Exs

After months of not speaking with my player, I always go back to him in times of need. Despite the fact he has a girlfriend, I always go back to speaking to him again. 

Happy Belated Birthday

 

I know it was your birthday a few days ago, and I thought about you a lot that day, and wanted to write to you.

I had the best time of my life with you on your birthday last year. The weather was miserable but the company was perfect.

The more I spent time with you the more I began to love you and I hated leaving you and I could not cope with that feeling as I had lost so many others in my life.

That is why when I lost you for good I fell apart,

You are a great judge of character, and I hate that your wonderful open heart gets hurt, I have been hurt a lot in my life and I have decided to shut down myself again because I don’t trust anyone anymore. It kills me that I hurt you because you opened your heart to me and I wish I could have done the same, but I trusted and listened to the wrong people.

My last email to you was dramatic but it was the truth.

You can look at pictures and see one thing but photos and images can be deceiving.

Sometimes we must smile and try get on with our lives and with people around us even if they have hurt us.

I am glad you are happy. I hope my mistakes at-least worked out well for you, they did not for me.

There are only a handful of people I have met in my life that I have connected with and shares the same level of belief in morals, friendship and trust as I.

I wish we could be friends, I wish you would speak to me again. There are very few people in the world I trust, you are one of them, yes I broke your trust I just wish you could find it in your heart to forgive me, Ive always been such a trustworthy loyal person like you, but ive been hurt by so many, and I did not mean to hurt you. A year later I am still crying over it.

We only live life once, I am glad to see you are making the mot of it and went back to paradise for your bday.

I wish I was the one with you.

I will always love you, I am sorry I hurt you in the short-term, but in the long-term I hurt myself.

Most importantly I want you to be happy, which is why you will never receive personal emails from me.

I will always appreciate the love you gave me, and I miss you in my life so much, I wish we could be friends.

I lost who I was and what I believed in. I hope like you I will find another person who will make me as happy as you did.

You are a special person and I am glad that I met you, I just wish it was now and not a year ago.

Love always

 

 

New Year New Love?!

Out with the old…in with the new! Last New Year, I was in an annoying loud nightclub with my two closest friends and their boyfriends, I wanted to throw myself under a car! No joke! I drank two bottles of champagne with my friend..and as the clock turned midnight…and everyone grabbed their partner, I was standing solo on the dance floor. I felt so alone. I was very very drunk and depressed. I just wanted to disappear. I wandered outside, with the thought to just keep walking and not turn back. But I didn’t. And then my New Year’s resolution was to never talk to the guy who made me so sad again..I also did not do that…as 10 days later I was in his arms across the Atlantic ocean as he had broken up with his girlfriend and was going through a tough time and I flew to his rescue…I KNOW I AM A FOOL.

This year..2012…will I kiss someone new..will I even meet someone new..who knows. But at least I have not spoken to my player in over eight months…so that’s something positive! If I meet someone new..I will keep you all informed..but it’s not looking too good right now!

Online Dating- Beware of Players!

Love Healing Guru: Learning to love again

I haven’t kissed anyone but the guy I was in love with in over five years. And it will be one year in January since my lips have touched any mans lips! At this point it is very difficult to imagine even kissing someone else again, never mind having sex with them.

 But..hope is the thing with feathers. That perches in the soul, And sings the tune– without the words, And never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

Here is some more life-saving advice from the love healing guru. Thanks again for your wonderful words of wisdom.

 “And in a few years, who knows? Some guy might ask you out, and DON’T…DON’T start playing the “does he like me, does he want to have sex, will he marry me?”
 
DON”T do that. Don’t. Take it for what it is…a guy who wants to have dinner with you. Don’t make it anything more than that. DON’T have sex with him the first time. I KNOW , I KNOW. But sex is what got you into the mess in the first place. If he wants it right off the bat,then is he not the right guy. Don’t be a friend with benefits. That’s just a players name for  “Pussy I don’t have to pay for.” That’s the Player Mode. Don’t go there. If he wants sex, he is going to have to earn you, baby, I mean it.
 
(And you will not die if you never have sex again. I promise.)
 
This is how you learn to love again: by loving yourself FIRST. By trusting yourself FIRST. By promising yourself to never, ever sell yourself short. If he wants sex and you don’t? Kick him to the curb. He’s just a hound. He’s just looking for a quick hookup (I believe that is the term these days?) and nothing else. His plan is to ease his hard on. Period.
 
The man who doesn’t want it right away, who is willing to discover who you are, besides a piece of ass, is worth the wait. If he wants to be friends, first? GREAT.

 
 And one day, years from now, you will see a picture of you and Player and think “Him? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?” It wasn’t your brain, it was your hormones. They make us stupid. They make us pick men that are studly but, like grama used to say, ‘They’re all horns and balls.” That’s why I love menopause. My hormones are no longer in charge.
 
You will look back at what you went through and see yourself: scarred, wiser, stronger, surer of yourself.

Trust yourself. Love yourself. Depend on yourself.
 
You will love again. Don’t be afraid to love again. Just be careful whom you give your heart to. Make him earn it.

There’s a ton of nice guys out there. Believe me. I’m married to the nicest one of all. He’s short, pudgy, not very socially accomplished, but he is the best human being I’ve ever had the privilege and luck of knowing, and better yet, loving and marrying. Don’t be afraid to try again.
 
And to any men reading this: I’m not slamming your entire gender. I’m not a man hater, not by any means.
 
I’m merely reporting from my one and only lifelong gender’s side.”

Love Healing Guru: Learning to trust again

Trust is imperative in any relationship. Once it is broken it is almost impossible to regain. And when you have had your heart shattered into tiny pieces, and then stamped on,  you think you will NEVER EVER trust ANYONE again.

Here is some more fantastic advice from the Love Healing Guru..(as I like to call her). Her advice is helping me and I believe it can help others too!

“Going cold turkey, as painful as it was, was the best route.
BEcause I learned something.
Your heart can be broken.
And you can grow a new one.
 
I’ve known my now husband for years. When he began to get serious, I told him, beware, I have more baggage than a Samsonite factory.
I said, “Give me a year” so that I could sort things out in my head, to make sure he wasn’t a player TOO (because it’s all too easy to fall for the same type of guy who played you in the first place), and to make sure that I wasn’t going to burden him with all my issues.
 
I learned to trust again, because you must. You can’t go through the rest of your life sizing up people and thinking, he looks like a cheater, he looks like a nice guy. That’s what got me in trouble with the Player to begin with. I saw this tall, seemingly nice, handsome guy and my hormones said This is the one. My brain said, whoa, wait a minute, but did I listen? Nooooooooooooo.
You have to learn to trust again. You can’t lay all your baggage on a new man and expect him to just accept you and you not accept him. That horrible feeling of betrayal is not the New Man’s fault.
 
Remember that Billy Joel song, “Innocent Man”? While I don’t care so much for Billy Joel, he does have a point in that song.
 
You have to say, “Yeah, that guy so totally used me,  it was totally effed up, it hurt like hell, it was horrible”…and then let it go. It’s not easily done, but it must be.
 
Don’t be afraid to love again, but go in with no false or overinflated expectations. He is who he is. You can’t change someone, only yourself.”

Love Healing Guru: Dealing with the pain of a broken heart

How do you cope with the pain that occurs when you have had your heart shattered into tiny pieces? How do you get rid of that sick hole in your stomach? How do you sleep at night? How do you learn to forget about the person you loved? How do you not focus on the past and learn how to move on? 

When I learnt that the guy I had loved had lied to me and that instead of coming to see me as he promised, he had used the money he had left in his account to see someone he barely knew. I couldn’t sleep, knowing another woman was in his arms. All I could think about was how he had broken his promises and had lied to me. I couldn’t sleep, I was in terrible pain. So I turned to alcohol. It was a bad move and only made things worse in the long-term. 

Another blogger has kindly offered some great advice in dealing with the pain of a broken heart.

Here is her advice:

“I know it’s so very hard, oh so hard, to go through the pain all on your own. But do NOT drink or drug away the pain. Don’t. There’s several reasons.
One, all your problems are waiting for you when you sober up or come down. Only now they’re compounded, because you’re hungover, or coming down, and broke. Do you know what you said or did when you were high/drunk? Did you go out and sleep with someone else, just to Get Back At HIM? He doesn’t give a rat’s ass. He isn’t feeling your hatred. He doesn’t even acknowledge you exist anymore. Because you never did.
 
I know. It hurts like you cannot believe, you think it will never, ever end.
If you think of it as dying, it is. Part of your heart, your soul, dies when a relationship ends. You’re hurting. You miss him. You hate yourself for loving him and being used, and you hate him for hurting you, you cannot bear the betrayal. Killing the pain, rather than accepting it,  only kills something else: your resolve. It’s only temporary. All you’re doing is forestalling the inevitable.
 
Yes, you need to lean on someone or some thing. My “”thing” was my beloved cat, Wren, who was there for me through thick and thin. She gave me a reason to keep going. If I killed myself…and yes, the thought occurred to me…who would care for her? Would she end up at the shelter? Is that what I wanted?
No. You need to find something to involve yourself. When the ex left me, I was in college (having gone back to school because I’d lost my job). I dove into school with everything I had. It kept me involved, it busied my mind, I met and worked with people who didn’t look like him, or even know him.

Find something to keep you busy. It can be anything: yoga, running, artwork, volunteering (another thing I did to keep me busy on weekends was volunteer with an environmental restoration bunch).  

I remember one day, when I was in the very depths of hell, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that there, in the mirror, was the one person I had always been able to depend on. The one person who had never, ever, ever let me down, who had always been there for me.

It was ME. That me in the mirror hadn’t used drink or drugs to escape the pain. That me in the mirror had been there with me all the time.
I know this sounds maudlin, but I hugged myself, in the mirror. There was no one else to do it for me, so I hugged myself.

That’s why you don’t drug away the pain. You have to go through it. The flames of pain, the flames of hell, aren’t just hurting you…they’re cauterizing the wounds, too.  Hell yes, it hurts. 

But  when you come out of that hell, when the flames do their very best to kill you and don’t, you become stronger. One day you realize, god DAMN that hurt, but I’m still here. That lying, cheating effer didn’t win. He didn’t, he didn’t beat me. He didn’t, like my ex said, “I expected to come home and find you dead on the floor.” He hurt me, you bet, but he LOST. He lost!
 
There is a saying: “The hottest fires forge the strongest steel.” That’s true for this situation. No matter what happens to me, I know I am strong enough to survive. There’s a disco song by Donna Summers (I think, and yes, I know, disco sucks) titled “I will survive.” That was my anthem. 

 “They” say it takes a year for every four years you were together.
I realized that I was having days when I was happy. When I didn’t think of the ex every living second of the day and dreaming at night. When I didn’t hurt.
And I began to realize that I liked being single.

I didn’t have to worry about Mr. I’m So Fucking Important and You are Shit. He was no longer my problem. I didn’t have to worry where was he now, is he sleeping with some other sucker. I didn’t have to worry about the Collections Agency calling AGAIN. I didn’t have to wonder, is he going to lie to me again? I didn’t have to walk on egg shells, didn’t have to cram myself into the horrible little cage he’d manipulated me into building around myself. I was the most important person in my life (well, right after my cat.). I could go where I wanted, when I wanted, eat what I wanted, do whatever I wanted.

I had ME.
I began to like ME.
I began to love ME.
I believed, at the time, that I couldn’t trust any man any more, and suddenly, being single for the rest of my life didn’t seem so bad. If living life like the Ex had made me was the alternative to being single and alone the rest of my life, single didn’t look bad at all.
 
You can stay up until midnight watching chick flicks. You can sleep diagonally in the bed with all the covers on you. You don’t have to worry about him stinking up the bathroom or leaving his effing dirty boots on the carpet.  If you want to spend the entire weekend shopping or curled up reading a good book, that is your RIGHT. Not a privilege, not worrying will he be angry or pissed or what.
 
If you stay off the pain killers, if you take every day as it comes, one day at a time, if you wake up every morning with a ‘gosh, it’s good to be alive!” you will make it.”